On Sleep Deprivation and Spontaneous Combustion

Posted October 8, 2015 by Niagara Mommy in Mommy Stuff / 7 Comments

sleep deprivation



There he goes again…off in dreamland somewhere, and here I am.

Still awake.

I know it happens to you too. Your other half lays happily sleeping, maybe a little drool seeping into their pillowcase, and you sit there watching, wondering how they can do it. How is it possible for them to sleep soundly, after you’ve been woken up by a child, or the call of nature, or your own over-thinking brain?…..

Hasn’t SOMEBODY done a study on this??

Case in point. I’m woken up by B, wanting me to cuddle. I look at the clock. It’s 2:30am. I don’t think there’s a parent on the planet who has the will power to discipline at this hour, so likewise, I get up and walk into her room. We snuggle into her bed together. She immediately falls asleep. Son of a bitch.

Now I’m awake, my brain has switched the Mommy Mode on. The sound of my daughter’s voice has rung loud and clear in my ears, and my whole body is tense, straining to hear any movement, any sound, any breath that might mean she’s woken up again. I wait ten minutes or so, and start to relax…

Enter the hormones…

All part of being a girl I guess, but it’s these fuckers rear their ugly head just as I’ve turned down the volume on mommy mode. Here’s what it might sound like:

Figures she’d fall asleep right away. Thanks a lot, kid. No problem, I got your back. You sleep, I’ll just sit here and stew. *sigh* I really gotta clean that bathroom. I don’t even remember the last time I cleaned the sink. All that toothpaste smeared all over the front of the counter, ugh, because B would rather paint with her toothpaste than clean her teeth apparently. It’s so nasty now, with little fluffs and whiskers stuck in it, soon to solidify into a “Fin-tastic Fruit”-flavored rock that I’ll have to scrape off with a putty knife if I don’t clean it soon…And why isn’t there a way to get all the whiskers down the drain anyway? Has nobody thought about this?! There’s always one rogue little bastard that just has stay out late and get it on with the gummed up Bubble Guppies toothpaste….

Fuck you, Bubble Guppies, and the tube you rode in on.

*irritated sigh*

I’m not doing enough. I don’t clean enough. My kids will be the smelly kids in class and it will be all my fault. Awesome job, Mommy.  Ok, can we go to sleep now, please? Look at D over there, sleeping soundly.  Why can’t I pull that off? Well, it’s because I’m a girl, and that’s just the way it is. I don’t have time to train my brain otherwise, so this is it. Suck it up, buttercup. “Awesome! you’re a girl. You’ll over-think things into oblivion, and will probably wake yourself up doing it.  Oh, you’re a mom too? Add in the fact that you’ll hear every single sound your kid makes, you’ll even imagine you’re hearing them stir. Your instincts will be so strong, you won’t be able to see straight, and you’ll be so sleep deprived that you put formula powder in the coffee maker. Good luck to ya.”

Ladies, it’s a wonder we all don’t spontaneously combust.

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7 responses to “On Sleep Deprivation and Spontaneous Combustion

  1. LOL. Love your humour. Oh yes, fuck those bubble guppies, and my little ponies and all the princessy stuff disney created…grrrr. You are so sleep-deprived you don’t only put milk powder into the coffee maker, but brush your teeth with a facial cleanser or wash your face with a toothpaste. 😀

  2. Haha, hilarious. Oh been there so many times. At 5am this morning when the baby woke me up then fell asleep again and my wife didn’t interrupt her snoring. They should invent toothpaste repellent sinks. That would be awesome!
    Thanks so much for linking with #fartglitter.