As a parent, I invest a lot in my kids; my time, my energy, my sanity, my personal space…the list could go on. As a working parent, I also invest a lot in my job; I’m responsible for reporting the company’s numbers, percentages, wins and losses. With businesses assessing their first quarters around this time of year, it got me thinking about what my investment in parenthood might look like if raising kids was actually a business, with a full first quarter analysis of revenue trends, costs and other measurable data.
Here’s what Niagara Mommy’s Quarterly Report might look like:
January Parenting Summary
Business began very slow this quarter, and actually showed some losses about mid-January or so. The “Christmas Hangover” lasted longer than forecasted, as Director of Sassiness, Niagara Girl, required three weeks to get back on her school schedule without
my head her head exploding. This is an abnormality, when compared to her usual one week transition period. Additionally, Vice-President Niagara Mommy got laid off just before Christmas, so VP productivity suffered losses in motivation, office cleanliness, and personal hygiene.
President Niagara Daddy managed the business extremely well during this tumultuous period. Leadership continued to work diligently, motivating and supporting employees to keep revenues (love, snugs, hugs, laughs, etc.) up, and costs (tantrums, arguing, reward negotiations, poo art, etc.) down. It should also be noted that Secretary of Poo, Baby G made his fair contribution by starting to crawl during this period, a milestone that was celebrated with an after-hours office party of Arrowroot cookies and whole milk. The cost was covered by petty cash.
February Parenting Summary
We see a spike in our numbers almost from the very start. VP, Niagara Mommy found a full-time position that paid more and offered more vacation time. This new acquisition resulted in increases across the board, most notably employee morale, interest in intimacy, My Little Pony adventure sagas, and baby kisses.
Coupled with these increases came a small up-ward shift in costs, mainly due to the Secretary of Poo being transferred to our Day Care office. The Secretary is quite happy there, and continues to meet his revenue quotas of insane cuteness, happy babbling and crawling with tounge sticking out. He did request that his move be compensated, as well as his meals covered by the business. As with the costs we experienced with the Director of Sassiness in 2012 thru 2015, this expense falls entirely within budget and should be considered an investment in the business as a whole.
March Parenting Summary
March saw both revenues and costs level out considerably. Tantrums remained at a minimum, down 2% over this month last year, a big win when it comes to the already-pressured sanity inventory levels. Expenses also saw a spike in exhaustion, vomiting and overall yucky-ness due to a bout of gastro and strep throat that ran rampant through the business. Even though it was short-lived, impacts can be seen in energy levels, total sleep and most notably the baby wipes supply.
Revenues in the giggles sales channel, conversely, are way up with Secretary of Poo communicating more and more, blowing kisses and now “tickling” the other members of the executive team, resulting in an overall increase of fun for the month.
Overall, the quarter saw several spikes in both revenue and cost throughout. Regardless, the business pushed through and produced an increase of 4.6% in fun and happiness over last year. With the leveling-off we saw in March, projections are set to see gradual increases in giggles, hugs, outings and fun, while maintaining costs, as the weather improves and summer approaches.
Should you have any questions or concerns, please direct them to VP Niagara Mommy between the hours of “No” and “Because I said so.”
Whew! Sorry for the delay, but this one took me a while to write. I hope you enjoyed it, and if so, share it with your friends. Stay tuned for more shenanigans from Niagara Mommy with my Mother’s Day themed series, “All Kinds of Mothers”. I’ll be posting regularly from now until the end of May, celebrating and laughing at all things Mommy!