It takes a special kind of person to be an Olympian. Strength, speed, stamina; these are all qualities I can see in the athletes competing at the 2016 Rio Olympics this summer, and it occurred to me that those same qualities could be, and damn-well should be attributed to all us epic parenting-greats. Think about it. How heavy is all that kid-gear we’ve been carrying around? How many munchkin meltdowns has our sanity endured and survived?? How thin has our patience been stretched??? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; parenting should be an Olympic sport. Now how would one make the Parenting Olympic Team? Here are just a few qualities every Parent-Lympian must have:
Strength: If you’re planning to become a member of the Parenting Olympic Team, you better start weight-training NOW. You won’t just be carrying that sweet little bundle of joy, oh no. Put that drool-machine in a ten-pound car seat, add another ten for the over-stuffed diaper bag, a fifteen pound breast pump carrying case, a stuffed animal in your mouth, a soother on your finger and an extra large coffee in your free hand, and you’ll wish you had hit the gym about six months ago. Going to the mall? Haul that 30 Lb, over-priced travel system up those stairs ’cause the elevator’s out of service. Going to Grandma’s? Drag that 50 Lb playpen into the trunk and shift it around 4 or 5 times until it fits. The ridiculous amount of baby gear you’ll be hauling, in addition to your kid, is obscene, so get on it and rock those guns and glutes, Mommies and Daddies, you’re gonna need them if you wanna make the cut.
Speed: Think you’ve got what it takes to run after a crazed toddler for 12 hours?? Pfffhh, ya, I thought so. Get on that treadmill and jack it up to level 50 ’cause that mucus-muncher will run your ass over if you’re not ready for it. Throw in some burpees too, because God knows you’ll be picking shit up off the floor until that kid turns at least eight; it’ll go a long way when it comes time to decide who’ll make the podium.
Consistency: Just like althetes, you have to make the commitment to mastering your craft by doing it over and over and over again, every single day. Probably one of the hardest aspects of being a Parent-Lympian is the ability to remain consistent, from potty training to punishments, if you can stick to your guns, you’ll have a huge advantage over almost every parent out there. Not to mention that if you do break consistency, you’ll be paying for it for weeks trying to get it back on track. Those booger-bandits have it in for you and will find every single loophole in your logic if you’re lazy enough to leave one open, so stay consistent and you’ll come out on top. Your kid might hate your guts, but sacrifices must be made to achieve greatness.
Patience: Feels bloody impossible? The kid is 2 years old and YOU are 32. Man-up, dude. You ARE more patient that your 2 year-old! As far as they push you, you’ve got to stretch your patience even farther.
Dig in and it will all be worth it when they turn finally turn twelve right? NO!!! You’ve got six more years at least of mouthing off, so you better get used to it. Start training now, and you’ll reach Parent-Lympian status by the time you’re so so exhausted, you’re drinking twice-microwaved coffee out of a sippy cup.
Heart: LOVE IT! You gotta love this gig if you’re going to make it to the gold medal round, guys. You gotta love that kid until he explodes, you gotta love the giggles, the cuddles, the tickles, the cool shit your kid says, you gotta love the teething, the diapers, the tantrums, the attitude, the arguing, the constant negotiating. You gotta love it, or you won’t stand a chance against the Finnish team who put their babies to sleep in boxes. Love it. Love it hard and you’ll win gold.
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